Jokes

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Sarah’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen...

A 70-year-old retired Military officer had one hobby – he loved to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say: ‘Pick me up.‘ he looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.‘ He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The retd officer said: ‘Are you talking to me The frog said, ‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have...

The father in the next story got quite the shock when he noticed a detail on his newborn daughter’s appearance – but thankfully, doctors always have an answer. A couple had just had their first child. But something was wrong, so the father rushed in panic to the doctor who helped the mother with delivery. “I’m not her real dad!” The dad grabbed the doctor by the arm. “Doctor!” Screamed the father. “I don’t know how I should say this, but I am horrified by the fact that my daughter has red hair! So how can I even be sure...

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Managers door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he...

An old woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one old lady who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before...

Little Johnny walks into a general store, walks up to the owner and asks for a job. The owner says: “You think you’d make a good salesman?” The Little Johnny says: “I don’t know. I think so.” Owner says. “I’ll tell you what. Next customer comes in, you watch me. If you think you can do what I do, you have a job!” A few minutes later a customer comes in. The owner of the store says: “Can I help you?” The customer says: “Yes. I’d like to buy a bag of grass seed.” “No problem.” Says the owner as...

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk front. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.” The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear:...

At school, when little Johnny sees little Suzy he asks her if she’ll climb the flag pole. When she tells him “No”, he offers her $1 to climb it. She says “Yes”. That night she tells her mother how she made $1 today by climbing the flag pole for little Johnny. Her mother tells her not to do it again because all little Johnny wants to do is see her underwear. Next day the same thing happens. But when little Johnny asks her to climb it for $1 and she says “No”, he offers her $2 and she says “Yes”....

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day. She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on Italian bread, made with turkey, American cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks: “How’s the sandwich dear?” Every time he would give the same response: “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a disappointed look on his face. His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a...