Jokes

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom: “This is your Captain. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto.” He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot. The copilot says to the pilot: “Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?” “Well,” says the skipper: “First I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.. then I’m gonna...

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money. The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to...

An elderly Italian man living alone wanted to plant his small annual tomato plot but the ground was too hard and he couldn’t use a shovel any more. His only son who used to help him was in prison and he wrote to him describing his predicament. “Dear Vincent. I’m so sad I am unable to dig up our garden this year. I’m just too old and weak now. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. Love Papa” He got a letter back a few days later saying: “Dear Papa. Don’t dig up the garden, that’s...

Far too often, many younger folks underestimate seniors. They think that just because people move and talk a little slower than they used to that, they are easy to push around. However, nothing can be further from the truth as many seniors have minds that are even sharper than when they were younger. However, every day people make the mistake of thinking that seniors are easy pickings only to learn a lesson in respect the hard way. In this joke, a waitress thinks she’s gotten the best of an older customer, little does she know that this “old” lady knows...

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then...

A little girl asked her mother: “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered: “God made Adam and Eve, and they had children, and so was all mankind made.” Two days later, the curious girl asked her father the same question. “Many years ago,” the father answered, “there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.” The confused girl returned to her mother. “Mommy, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,” she said, “and Daddy said they developed from monkeys?” The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told...

Sorry, but a good blonde joke is too easy to pass up sometimes. 80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?” A blonde carefully works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her: “What is 15 plus 15?” After 15 or 20 seconds she says: “Eighteen!” Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another...

In the joke below, you’ll see some exchanges between FedEx pilots and the engineers that keep their planes running smoothly. The engineers nail it every single time. We don’t know if these scenarios actually happened, but they’re hilarious regardless. Enjoy. After every flight, FEDEX pilots fill out a form, known as a ‘gripe sheet’ to tell mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problem and then document their repairs on the form. Here are some maintenance problems submitted by the pilots (marked with a ‘P’) and the solutions recorded (marked by an ‘S’) by maintenance engineers, who...

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He sh0-t and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded: “I sh-0t a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied: “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said: “I am one of the best trial attorneys in...

Darcy had to raise a kid on her own because her so-called man of the house was always out at the bar with his friends, and when he wasn’t, he was always slacking off at home. She called up her mother-in-law during a particularly hard day, whom she wasn’t always on the best of terms with because she tended to side with her son rather than offer the woman any sort of support. Darcy asked, “Could you tell me who changes the child if it poops itself? Is it the dad or the mom?” “It is always the mother, honey,”...